The exact equation

You know what else is funny? How the ache is so strong, you think it will never go away, that something set so deep couldn’t possibly fade. Then later comes along. At some point – later – you no longer feel what you used to feel.  And when you think about what you came through, you can’tContinue reading “The exact equation”

Where the feeling starts

Look deeper, Sherry would say. Examine where the feeling starts. Am I focusing on your mistakes so that I can avoid the mistakes I have made? Is that what we do – embroil ourselves in other lives, in other failings so that we don’t have to examine our own lives so closely? Sherry wants meContinue reading “Where the feeling starts”

What you don’t know

I can see what happens when he looks at you. There is a funny blue light that starts just below his ear. It curves under his jaw and then travels down his neck, out into his chest, where it shoots off in all directions. Like rivers meeting I suppose, but there’s something more electric, theContinue reading “What you don’t know”

The weight of it

I never expected to be happy. Not in the sense that I would have a big, rich life, a red-like-Christmas life, where every day was tinsel and jolly. I only ever wanted to survive my own heart. To find small moments of light in the dark, to live knowing I’d find that light sometimes, evenContinue reading “The weight of it”

Without my permission

Wednesday April 17th, 2013 Today is my last day. Of what? Of being alive? Of being in this world? Not exactly, because I’m here still, in a way. I can see everything and feel everything, although I’ve been trying to get that right, because it’s not exactly feeling, is it? It’s not the same asContinue reading “Without my permission”

A place like this

Chewed up. Spit out. That’s what they say about girls like me. In a place like this. As if the city has jaws. Great, chomping concrete jaws that bite down on new flesh, and then, disgusted at the freshness, spew it back out. As if the streets are littered with lacerated hearts, with open wounds and cardboard stories. They say I’m boundContinue reading “A place like this”

The needs of the dead

It’s Mimi’s job to prepare the dead for their wake. As she explains it to me over mouthfuls of cherry cheesecake, when a loved one identifies a victim, they are often exposed to a body that is broken, traumatised. So she tries to make that last viewing better for closing eyes, for what is seen in the dark.Continue reading “The needs of the dead”

The familiar ugly

Maybe that’s this strange shame I’m feeling. An embarrassed disappointment that the shine has come off my new city, that it took so long. And how the real glare, the thing standing out, is me. I had intended to go for a cocktail, I was ready to venture out to some busy, pretty rooftop onContinue reading “The familiar ugly”

Until I wake up

Lucy It is something to watch a man die. It is something to have been the last touch, the last      connection to life. I don’t think I believe in God or heaven. But I feel that I’m tied to Benjamin Mackintosh all the same. When he interrupted Adam’s assault, he traded his lifeContinue reading “Until I wake up”