This is how you will lose him

You know, don’t you. Have always known. That it won’t be happiness that ends it. You learnt this many years ago. When, in some other loss, some other love, you discovered there’s no seducing sadness. This is how you will lose him. A small or sudden sorrow that separates. No crawling on your belly back. The distance, suddenly, too far. Ruins to most people. But really,Continue reading “This is how you will lose him”

I’ll still know

I’ll still know your birthday. I’ll still know the date you said yes, still see the girl with her hand to her mouth and her back to the wall, surrounded by love and alcohol – these midwives who birthed her grief, and carried her, carefully, back into the world. I’ll still know those next years by your doorContinue reading “I’ll still know”

I will not love you less

I will not love you less. I won’t meet you for that coffee. I will not sit in glaring light and hardened air, the hover of history between us. I will not settle down across from you, nerves tapping tabletops, our eyes never holding. Pretending I don’t want to pull you close or feel your hand againstContinue reading “I will not love you less”

There are ways for us to end this

Speak the words you have swallowed. We have nine years of silence to fill. Let us crowd this night with all we have not said, let us cover every last second with our secrets. Whisper them soft and sure against my skin. Tell me goodbye, and tell me why. Dust me for your fingerprints oneContinue reading “There are ways for us to end this”

I know you don’t watch me walk away (remember)

I know you don’t watch me walk away. I know you don’t press your forehead against the double glass to keep me in your sight. There is no straining for that one last look, no time suspended in the final unblinking stare. You don’t stay with me until I am just another city glow fadingContinue reading “I know you don’t watch me walk away (remember)”

A conversation between friends (revisited)

“When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass – may pass in the first half hour – into erotic love.” – CS Lewis Here, now, at a hotel bar. The transience of this place,Continue reading “A conversation between friends (revisited)”

I know you don’t watch me walk away (imagined)

How I say I am leaving and you mumble I’ll see you soon, and how with your eyes still closed you miss the way I shake my head, no. Nine months ago I wrote a piece called I know you don’t watch me walk away. To quote Adele, this one was me kind of onContinue reading “I know you don’t watch me walk away (imagined)”