All this time (4)

5.24 PM

I’m finishing my third wine; I tilt the glass at you each time I make a point, flirting over my nervousness, drinking it away. Twice now, we have touched. Fingers taping on arm to emphasise, a gentle shoulder push at something controversial. Easy, inconsequential, like the little stories we are trading. It feels good. Natural. But I am nervous all the same. There is more than distance between us, after-all.

Two years. I cannot decide if it is a lifetime, or yesterday. I built up those days, used every single minute and hour to create distance between us. One day placed on top of another until I had a fortress of time to hide behind. It was the only way I knew to do it.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Leaving you.

It was like losing the sun. I spent weeks, months, fumbling through the dark of your absence, jumping at shadows, and sleeping with my eyes wide open. Barricade building, until I could no longer remember the glow, how we used to power this city.

Until, enough days had passed, and a whole new life grew up out of the dark.

Some of it I share with you now. I want to tell you, dance my life in front of you, show the accumulation of these two years. But there are also parts I want to protect, things you don’t deserve to hear. You are carefully choosing your own sharing tonight. There is nothing unusual in that, but you have not thought of what I already know, of the ways you still come up from time to time.

I am now fully aware of what you won’t say.

A lot has changed.

Do you say it? Do I say it? Is it a bitter offering, or lament? Your hand goes to my knee, and suddenly I am blazing. Suddenly, nothing has changed at all.

#

Eidyia’s note: Two former lovers meeting again after years apart. What changes? What doesn’t? Does time really heal everything, or do we merely learn to pause certain feelings, certain desires – and it’s all just there, waiting. Does what we resist, only persist?

All this time – a little writing exercise to see …

Part 1: https://bodyremember.com/2014/11/22/all-this-time-1/

Part 2: https://bodyremember.com/2014/11/24/all-this-time-2/

Part 3: https://bodyremember.com/2014/11/29/all-this-time-3/

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9 thoughts on “All this time (4)

  1. Beautiful. I have run into/come across former lovers in the past but there is just the one, “him” in which time and distance doesn’t exist when we meet for the first time after months and months apart…it’s not even in the slightest touch but in the first smile and when our eyes meet. thank you for sharing!

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