It always comes back to this. The desire for it, and the struggle against it. If I forgive, will I also forget? Is that the greatest fear when it comes to letting go of the anger we hold for those who have done wrong by us? If I forgive you Ben, for the casual destruction of our marriage, do I also risk forgetting? Because when I am angry at you we still exist. We are not done, not when there is unfinished work between us. Will forgiving you mean leaving you behind?
And what of Lucy, and Maggie Valentine, the trio we have become in this affair. I have bound myself to them both, haven’t I. If I blame them for what happened, do I somehow continue to absolve myself?
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
What blame do I carry in this? Or were we all just doing what we had to do to get by? Happy accidents, and tragic ones too, before we all collided? If we knew then what we know now … ah, isn’t that always the question. I’d like to think we would in fact do better.
I do forgive you. All of you. No one escaped the damage in the end, did they. The light is shining through the cracks now, and here we all are. Illuminated.
My baby kicks. A fierce knock before I feel her shift down inside me, ready. I am ready too, Grace. I am ready too.